2012: It’s not the end. It’s the beginning.

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“What the eff, Beth?  2339 words?”  Yes.


 And I did not say what I wanted to.  It’s a rambling New Years anti-resolution.

Traditionally I write a blog post at the New Year about not making any resolutions.  I was just looking back on the last few years of New Year’s posts where I discussed, Not Making Resolutions!  Usually I write about weight, because, well, this is a “weight loss” blog.

Let’s discuss weight first – because it bores me — and I know there are a few newbies here and there that wonder how I’ve fared.   I had gastric bypass surgery on April 5, 2004.  I reached my lowest weight in a little more than a year, and I saw 149 pounds on the scale.  I wore a size six pant, at least one time in the spring of 2005. 

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That weight did not last, as I immediately bounced up on the scale and soon was pregnant.  I miscarried, however my weight was already rising rapidly.  I maintained and sat at about 165-175 lbs for a very long time.  I remember my first midwife appointment with my next pregnancy I saw 174 lbs on the scale and absolutely freaked out in my mind. 

N1072296476_195914_9811Very quickly I realized that healthy baby equals healthy mother and I had to at least attempt to LET THAT GO.  I allowed myself to eat as I could, while pregnant and dealing with some awesome side effects of pregnancy and roux en y gastric bypass.   During the pregnancy in 2006, I developed some serious reactive hypoglycemia issues that I was not very good at identifying or fixing.  I became anemic requiring iron infusions.  I also began having odd neurological events that I now understand might have been seizure activity.  At the time, I was calling them “swooshes,” however they may have been seizure auras.  My weight rose to a high of 210 pounds at 38 weeks pregnant.  I felt like a balloon, but at the time, I was also remembering that my previous pregnancy – I was 320 lbs.  It was an improvement over that – I could move, I could breathe, and my blood pressure was low normal!  I gave birth in October 2006, and minutes after the birth I had a seizure on the birthing table.  At the time, nurses and staff thought it might be a stroke, and I got some neurology testing done.  After the baby came home, I recall telling my husband that I felt “wrong” – and that if “anything ever came” of my “swooshes” – that I KNEW it was coming.  I realize now, that it was probably seizure activity. 

 

I realize my health issues have little to do with my weight, but it’s integral to my journey after gastric bypass.  I haven’t had a normal journey. The only part of my life after weight loss surgery that was typical – was that first year of massive weight loss.  After that, all bets were off and I knew I would not be a normal post op.  Normal, to me, was that person who loses their weight, and has little to no side effects or complicating issues after their weight loss surgery procedure.  While my neurological problems have never been directly connected to the bypass, I have been glued to them SINCE the bypass.  It’s all very coincidental, you know?  My journey turned into losing weight for health – to maintaining my bladder control while upright – or simply remaining in control of my body.

 Why does this matter in my long-term weight loss and maintenance?  Because I could very well be 300+ pounds again.  Given my physical conditions over the last several years, I could easily slip into a pattern of massive weight regain. 

 This isn’t victim-speak here — I’m not boo-hooing.   I own my brain.  Not everyone gets to have seizures, you know.  Not everyone gets to slip into unconsciousness, drop things on the floor, and speak in epileptic tongues, making companions run for help, you know.  It’s Super Fun. 

However.  Living with seizures puts me in a unique situation that I could easily destroy my weight.  I don’t drive a car, which means I am at home most of the time.  I have four kids, at home all of the time that they are not at school.  This creates constant opportunity for boredom and grazing.  And, don’t think I don’t! 

How have I fared then? It is December 31, 2011 – and I bet I am almost exactly the same weight as I was one year ago.  I have been in the range of 159-166 lbs for the past year. 

I don’t think I posted much at all about weight, or changes in the last year.  Here are my archives.  I rarely weigh in; I had a realization that the fluctuations of just a few pounds are not worth the brain ache.  I can flux 2-5 pounds over the course of a day or three and there is no reason I must know how much I weigh TODAY as opposed to over the course of a month.  It makes ZERO difference in my life.  My body doesn’t change in a couple pounds.  That said if I see a change in my clothing – good or bad – I check in.

  257390_1969955883208_1072296476_2243528_5235878_oI saw a low in the summer of this year, which I contribute to Real Life Drama.  If Real Life Drama didn’t feel so awful, I’d love more – because it gets me in my size 8 jeans.  Honest.  There are several levels of stress – and certain levels cause a person to forget to eat, or to jump on the All Coffee All Day plan.  I had that level for a bit, and I think I saw a low of 158 lbs at some point in the late summer. 

Though, noted, I always hit my low point in the warmest part of the year.  It’s just natural – I am outdoors more – doing more – and eating less.   I always seem to reach my highest weight of a year during the winter because – I’m inside and hibernating a bit.  At least being aware of that I can try to slow it down.

Regarding 2011, I am glad it’s over.  While there were plenty of high notes, there were plenty of low notes as well and I am moving on. 

What did I do this year? The hell if I remember.  Really.  That’s one plus (no not really, not at all…) of epilepsy – repeated seizures and medication to treat them, can cause memory loss. 

 NOTE FOR ANYONE WHO MIGHT EVER DEAL WITH ME —

Do not EVER rely on me to recall ANYTHING IMPORTANT or the details of ANY SITUATION, EVER.  I forget everything  — I realized very recently that I am a Dory.  Like I say to my family:  I couldn’t remember to put on underwear today, do not expect me to remember to 1. Make a phone call 2. Shut off the faucet, etc.  I only remember to do things if they are physically in my face, and present.  The trash?  Absolutely.  It’s in my face.   A phone call, never, unless there is a NOTE stuck on my mirror or forehead to trigger my memory to DO it.

What happened this year? 

I suppose it’s silly to even go back if I want to go forward but as I am writing this I realize I don’t recall details.   If you want –read the archives  I just tried to do it and got traumatized. 

I started the year off with the ER — pancreatitis for 2011!  Then tests!  Surgery!  Fun!  That should have been a clue to the way the year would go!   I suppose I could sum up 2011 with my gut pain, it was a huge pain in the ass.  No, really, you go read the archives and try not to feel it, okay?  I rambled on about my gut and my head and then all the hate, the hate?!  Wasted time.  Wasted words.  I started in January 2011 with the emergency room, had months of “fun,” in between including surgery, and ENDED December 2011 with a hose up my ass

I mean that literally AND figuratively.  Screw you 2011.  There were plenty of good things, too.  I promise there were.  Countless good times, good moments and good people.

First off, my kids have been relatively healthy all year long.  Save for some skin rash flare-ups, they are ALL healthy and well and THANK GOODNESS.  I know I say that often, but we are very, very lucky that we just don’t get that sick in this family.  I blame my love of bleach and other various cleaning products. 

Next, Mr. MM has successfully survived 2011 and that is an extraordinarily good thing.  I’m not dredging up months of angst in this post nor reposting The Most Searched For Events In My Blogs History — but suffice it to say that he made it.  Physically, he is okay.  Emotionally, he is better.

We, as a family, WILL BE OKAY.  Our journey will not end, while it felt like it might have been shattered this past year, we have some glue sticks and we are learning to use them.  This may involve cutting and pasting parts of our lives – but we can do it.  Okay is a good thing.

 

Source: google.com via Blue on Pinterest

 

Let me not forget, I did plenty of blog-related things, even though my gut said, “no,” and my fear of airplanes was successfully reined in with the promise of drugs.  

I did things!  I sold products!  I raised lots of money!  I went places!  Quite a few, actually…

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  • In May I attended the WLSFA Event in Las Vegas, Nevada.

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  • In June I attended the ASMBS Conference in Orlando, Florida.

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  • In August I went to the Obesity Help Event in Bellevue, Washington.

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  • In September I went to the Obesity Help Event in New Orleans, Louisana.

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  • Then, in October I went to the Obesity Help Event in Long Island, New York.

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Good things —

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I suppose that’s not too shabby given how awful I have felt about 98% of the time, see?  I did it anyway.  I did it with help and support from many people out there.  Specifically one shout out to Susan B. for taking over and owning my BBGC merchandise and all of the shipping.  She is an angel.  

Others, you know who you are.  Thank you.  You are appreciated, even if I don’t say so.

(What’s up Debbie Downer?  Why are you back writing a post – I’d thought you started being more positive?   I am more positive now.  Yes, really.)

I truly am – however – looking BACK at the insanity of the last year I see that I again, could very well have been tucked in the corner, rocking and crying, with my thumb in my mouth, and I pushed through that.  Many times.  I did not blog about a lot of it, but I never once retreated and hid. I kind of wish I had written everything down, to purge, not necessarily post.  But once I was attacked for being a “whiny victim” – and accused of lying about my health and my life  – I sort of gave up on sharing.  There is a lot you don’t know, some of you might care to know some of it, and I am sorry about that.  I don’t mean to be purposely vague, but I am really tired of being hurt.

 

 

I pushed through when I thought I ought to quit, and even when people hoped I would. I also see how being in pain (and generally feeling physically gross) has impacted the issues in the last year (and beyond, I am SURE of it) because when you don’t feel very pleasant, you don’t act very pleasant.  It’s not just me, obviously.  Hurt people hurt people.  It’s just the way life IS. 

 “Keep in mind, hurting people often hurt other people as a result of their own pain. If somebody is rude and inconsiderate, you can almost be certain that they have some unresolved issues inside. They have some major problems, anger, resentment, or some heartache they are trying to cope with or overcome. The last thing they need is for you to make matters worse by responding angrily.”  

― Joel OsteenYour Best Life Now: 7 Steps to Living at Your Full Potential

 I have written a few blog posts that I have since deleted, and many social media updates that got the big old “X.”  A number of those things I forgot already, much of it has already been purged from the archives because, what the hell were you thinking? 

Why?  It’s because when they hurt, THEY hurt.  It goes both ways.  We know this.

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It didn’t hit me until I noticed the pattern of Who What When Where and Why that I realized people actually DO thrive on other people’s drama.  Folks just love a good story, and gossip is The Best Thing Ever. 

No.  No it’s not.

Bloggers:  throw a potential divorce (or similar issue) into your blog and just WATCH what happens.  Sharks!  I’m over this business.  While I cannot promise that I won’t be a pain in the your ass, I’m definitely changed.  

2011 changed me and I’m moving on.  I am pleased to see that others have taken on the same sort of stance.  I resolve.  I do.  I resolve to do good, be good and let good happen.

Either that or I’m just getting old.  So there, you can kiss my broken yet functioning ass, 2011.

Cheers to a new year and another chance for us to get it right.  ~Oprah Winfrey

Love, Me.

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