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So it’s been a minute.

I signed on with a company to do a monthly product review of bariatric-approved products. My first product arrived this weekend, and in the spirit of full disclosure before I even start the review I have to tell you (…before I laugh, cry, or other?) that I hand-picked the first product because I know I like it. It's something I used to promote back in The Day of Blogging.  (I do not know when the day ended, but it's no longer that day.) 

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The reason I am oversharing with you — is because — when I sniffed around the blog to find the first post about said product and it was written or even re-written MORE THAN EIGHT YEARS AGO.  Guys.  This means I could have written about this item nine or ten years ago and I am about to throw it back in your faces because I am:

  • Old As Hell  (Did you figure out how long has been?  Because I just had a minor heart failure.)
  • Still Around  (Sorry?)
  • Crazy (…to still be around?  LOL)
  • Hungry?
  • Have Five Kids To Feed And Free Product Sounds Amazing Right About Now
  • You Pick

What's worse?  I deleted the initial URL for whatever reason, so the copy and paste of my words is showing up online in scraped feeds on other sites. Or on sites I used to frequent.  

I just wanted to know how much this stuff cost back in ye olden days.  (Yes, this is how I think.  Post tomorrow.)

In which I procrastinate about…

I officially announced on Facebook that I am blogging again. Does that make this an official blog, post?  Am I procrastinating?  Am I asking too many questions?  Am I avoiding the real issues?

May-be.  May-be not.

All I know right. now. is that it has taken me until 2pm to start this post because BABIES ARE A BIG HUGE FAT PAIN IN THE ASS AND I MEAN NO DISRESPECT TO BIG HUGE FAT ASSES BECAUSE I HAVE ONE AND I LOVE FATNESS, mmkay?  If you ever need a reason not to get things done?  Babies. Babies who are mobile and big trouble and right at the very moment seeking things to hurt themselves as if driven by a baby-seeking motor of "WHAT CAN HURT ME IN THIS ROOM" are what you need to stop everything from being accomplished.  Baby who is now standing on my chair.  Baby who is now crying. 

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Blogging as a business as blogging.

A post by a Facebook friend the other day got me thinking about blogging.  It seems that many of us who used to Write All The Time for ourselves, have stopped.  Why is that?  Why is it that blogging has become a chore?  Why did we start writing in the first place and what changed?

I will tell you what happened:  PEOPLE GOT GREEDY.  For me, I started blogging because I needed an outlet that would "listen" neutrally.  The faceless internet seemed like a good idea.  

As I wrote, somehow I got an audience, and an audience creates attention, and attention sends advertisers.  I took on advertisements and started earning a part time living from this blog. Heck, I started a blog about blogging because I made a GOOD living from it for a very short time.

The thing is:  I have very strong opinions and cannot be paid to be swayed.  It tears me up when I read sponsored posts and Tweets and Facebook plugs from other bloggers after they've been given ad money and the posts are no longer in their voice. 

Some blogs and connected social media become nothing but pitches.  #spon #ad

Where did genuine bloggers go?!  Where are you?!

I didn't want to become that, and honestly I hate being called a shill.  I used to enjoy writing about product because I USED IT or I LOVED IT or my favorite:  I hated it.  

I have lost that because everyone and their Mama is overexposing EVERYTHING hoping to get paid.  I did get paid.  I still have a trickle of advertising, but I can't push it as hard as I "could" because I feel like it alienates those who read my stuff (…for whatever reason they do?) and feel pressured.  Bloggers who used to "connect" with me, I realize, I am no longer useful to them if they can't use me.  It's sad.

Sometimes I felt like a fake by posting about products I didn't really like.  I lost my oomph and advertisers took notice and dumped me.  Sadly, sometimes I think it was a relief.  I'm not your salesperson.  You didn't hire me. 

I think these days, most sponsored content needs to come organically.  Why do "we" push so hard to be paid to do what we were already doing for free, for ourselves?  If someone wants to pay me to be MYSELF, bring it.  I can't change or remain silent because you don't like me as I am.  

I feel like I have censored myself for so long because I have been afraid of the ADVERTISERS getting mad.  

No more.  Fuck them.  If they're paying me to share product, it's because I AM WORTH IT, and if they choose not to?  That's fine too. 

Sorry.  If I write about your product, it's because I USE IT, I LOVE IT or IT SUCKS.  There's no ulterior motive, unless I specifically state that there is.  ;)

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Year Eleven, Plot Twist.

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Oddly enough last year was my best in terms of weight loss and weight maintenance after my roux en y gastric bypass now eleven years ago.

I just searched the blog for my yearly *cringe* “surgiversary” updates and it appears it really was.

 “Best.”  I maintained a nearly-normal bodyweight for half of the year, guys.  If I look back on my averages over the last ten years, the weight is smack-dab in the middle of average.  I am just that.  

Super-average.  

I started out the year at my near lowest, while using the gym and eating decently.  My goal had been to continue that – and ignore weight if I could add muscle tone.  

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One of the most common questions I get inboxed to me is:  What Do You Eat Everyday – What Do You Do?!  Here is the thing:  PEOPLE VARY DRASTICALLY.  I realized that my intake vs. output is a delicate balance.

Here’s my intake for the most part of the last 90 days:

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This looks mostly like this, with days of “Want pizza for dinner?  Who wants mozzarella sticks?”  Once a week.  I eat very little meat, though I am still cooking it a couple times a week for the family.

Breakfast – 

  • Coffee – unsweetened almond milk – cocoa powder
  • Frozen tofu based meal, other

Lunch –

  • Leftovers from dinner or
  • Soup or salad or
  • Bread + cheese

Snack – 

  • Chickpeas, whole grain crackers, cheese, veggie burrito

Dinner – 

  • Protein, veggie, carb – whatever is made for the family or…
  • Frozen vegan meal

Snack –

  • More dinner, usually, I honestly don’t eat at dinner time… I eat before bed.  I might have a few bites at dinner time, especially if I am cooking, and then I don’t want anything.  

This isn’t much different than my eating of the year before – and I maintain my weight at this level of calories.  I would assume I eat about 1500 – 1700 most days with days lower, and days higher (rare).  

I actually lose weight at this intake if I am moving enough.  

Disclaimer, BMI SUCKS and I have NEVER been in the normal category for more than two minutes because I am SHORT AND I AM SHRINKING so if I want to EAT, I HAVE TO MOVE MY ASS.

I was.  I’m not.   No excuses.  

My intentions were good, but life always seems to have different plans.  

I developed some super fun back pain that coincided with less time at the gym (…yes I think movement HELPS pain, but getting past pain to MOVE is now the problem!) and was diagnosed with some degenerative disc disease.  My time working out was cut drastically with my spouse’s work schedule changing – kid’s school schedules and just having no means to go.  Adding the lack of gym time to pain = Beth not moving her ass because it hurts = Beth not moving.  I started slugging out at home from August (…when the schedule changed) to this winter.  I hate to whine because Everybody Huuuurttttts.   I’m also super realistic and I know I’m getting older, and it is unlikely that my back will Get Better at this age.  It isn’t going to benefit me to complain about it now because it’s going to get worse with time.  

Grinding along through back pain is difficult though, when it makes every part of your day a little more complicated – you’d think just sitting would be restful – easy.   Sitting here is the most painful part of my day aside from attempting to sleep laying down, I live in a series of twitchy z-z-z-zaps.  If I could pace all day long, I’d be fine.  

And I just may start doing that.

Why?  *changing tenses, writing badly but writing*

There was a single motivation — I got on the scale after knowing that I was not fitting in my size medium running pants.   THEY SQUISHED ME LIKE A SAUSAGE.  I knew I had gained weight, I could see it – but – I kept squishing into them.  So what if my legs are more puffy?  Whatever.  

And then my boobs.  MY BOOBS.  I didn’t HAVE ANY, and a few weeks ago I’m all – O – O – and WHY DO THEY HURT I’d better start my cycle RIGHT NOW or I am going to cry and I just might cry right now or throw up.

Oh.  

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I’ll save you the dramatic implosion that occurred after three of those, but I’ve been to the MD twice, and I see a maternal-fetal medicine doctor tomorrow.    I was not planning this, obviously, nor was I telling anyone, but a certain spouse outed me – and a lot of people took it as a joke.  

I don’t find it funny.

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I’ve got this.  I have never had a pregnancy WHILE on anti-epileptic medications, so that is of course of concern as I CANNOT be unmedicated and live safely.  If you recall, my seizure activity became evident during my first post-RNY pregnancy and it was undiagnosed for a very long time.   Also, apparently, I AM OLD.  I am “Of Advanced Maternal Age.”  

ADVANCED.  AGE.   3-5.  This was the year, that I told my husband, I think we are old enough to have kids now.  Forget that my oldest is the same age as I was when I got pregnant with her.  

She said, “Well, at least it isn’t me.”  Yes, thanks for that.

Grandma MM doesn’t really have a ring to it.  And I think my mother would explode. 

 


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What do you do when your voice is gone? Plus being a bully makes your health better, no wonder you look so good.

I have many, many faults.  I know this.  

Yesterday I found myself hockey checked off of a social network for a temporary ban.  Gasp!  Shock!  Horror!  You might think I did something awful to deserve the "jailing" but it sometimes works in reverse on social networks.  When a person outs a wrong or blows the whistle — sometimes THAT PERSON — in this case me gets tossed offline for saying the word.  

My theory about this: is that Facebook is so big, so many users, that it's team of eyeballs that look-over-the-things-that-offend-the-people cannot possibly fathom the Things That Offend Each End User Of It's Free Service.  

Even when someone like me — gets a thinly veiled threat or not at all veiled — and I re-post it — I get the boot.

Hell, I could not even follow it.  All I knew is that someone posted they wanted me in the ground – there was a shovel and salt.  AND I DO NOT KNOW WHAT I DID TO DESERVE IT – aside from my last post.  Which is my TRUTH.  MY.  TRUTH. 

Soon, there were two dozen angry rabid post weight loss surgery patients, (some that were former members of my group, some that I did not know) jumping on a hate filled thread on Facebook — name-calling and wanting me in a hole, too.  Why?  I have the thread.  It may or may not still be going.  I don't know.  It is painful to read.  I was called a bitch, a victim, and worse.

Download For beth aka melting mama

And for attempting to stand up for myself, I am the one in the Facebook slammah.  Facebook's popo clearly can't follow the chain of events and regard my actions as the problem.  The persons whom are actually at fault are publicly posting and GLOATING about their success in getting a person bullied offline.

One is accepting cash donations.  Why?  

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So.  Here I am.  In jail.  Eating mush.  Getting violated.

Hey, I suppose I shouldn't knock it too hard, it's free delivered food, free clothes, and a place to sleep, with no kids to bother me – and do I have to pay taxes?  <g>

Might not be a bad idea.  Screw it.

I hope you feel better about yourself today.

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  • http://health.usnews.com/health-news/articles/2014/05/12/adult-health-better-for-bullies-than-their-victims-study
  • Because inflammation is an underlying factor in so many chronic diseases, the fact that people in their early 20s are already showing signs of inflammation is a warning bell, Copeland adds. Using data from the larger study, his team will scrutinize other measures of adversity, such as the stress hormone cortisol, and epigenetic changes in which environmental factors affect the way genes are activated. The scientists will also look for biomarkers of more positive methods than bullying through which kids can increase their confidence and social standing.
  • This is why SO many bullied kids are FAT.  STOP IT.

The results of the anti-Beth campaign

It is funny how people are.  When a thing happens and people say things like, "Don't worry, we will always have your back" and how you sort of know they don't mean it.  It is interesting how they will find ways to weasel out of your existence, quietly, so that you do not notice.  

One year ago I attended a weight loss related event and a thing happened.  Friends and businesses alike, sent me all kinds of messages of support:  WE HAVE YOUR BACK AND WE STAND BEHIND YOU GO DO ALL THE THINGS AS YOU ALWAYS DID!  

Edited to add – I also find it curious that these people are always willing to privately hoo-rah me – but never stand up in public after I've supported them for years and years.  I guarantee private emails will follow this.   

And then they were gone.  Crickets, guys.   This coming from the woman who had no less than 30 lbs of free PLEASEWRITEABOUTOUR protein in her house at any given moment – NADA.  I have 6,000 members in a support group and I take Walmart vitamins.  Is selling out — worth my sanity?  

Meh.

So, if you're responsible for the Anti-Beth-PR-Campaign because of what I DID on year ago?  (If you don't know, don't ask.)  GO YOU.  Be proud of what you did.  Pat yourself on the back. 

You may have noticed by the slowing-to-a-stall blogging that I lost my mojo.  It was partly due to this, and ironically enough (… and I have said this before)  I am doing "better than ever" in terms of my weight loss surgery life — which is WHAT MY BLOG IS ABOUT.  

I just ain't got time for fake people.  I got old, guys.  I got teenagers up in here and it's all drama, all the TIME, and who needs adults with drama?  No more.  No thank you.  All done.  I realized a year ago that it just wasn't worth it – and I gave up a lot of things.  I dropped 1,000 people on my Facebook feed and just let go.  I rarely see anything anymore and it is calm.  I tell people it's puppies, babies, puppies and occasional food.

The only problem with this is — when you no longer are a part of the drama — you don't get invited to the stuff.   Apparently to get invited To The Things, you need to Be Dramatic.  

Well shit, go me.  And no, I'm not willing to go back.  I kind of like it quiet and calm.   

 

About quitting.

I quit 'writing my stories' long ago as my husband would call it because I tried to keep my blog totally "on topic."

You see what happened.  Yeah.  I stopped writing.  I stopped writing altogether.  It seems that I only have the urge to 'write my stories' when triggered to write a Something That I Have To Write Down For Myself – not for anyone else.

I am not a blogger who blogs for other people.  I do not blog for you.  I blog for me, or at least I used to and that is why I started writing in the first place.  I lost my mojo for the task of writing because it feels like a chore now rather than a hobby and within the space of the niche I write in, it felt crowded and those who wrote alongside me seemed to want me to quit.

Except I wasn't writing for them.

I wasn't writing for you. 

It was for me.

It's time move on.

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That time I shamefully admit I was lazy.

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December 2013
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February 2014
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Current

This is that moment where I put my tail between my legs and come to you and say it — because this is what I Need To See – Proof That A Thing Works?

I have a very literal type brain.  (More on that later this year.  I promise you. My next appointment is Valentine's Day.)

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Figure out where Beth's seizure focus is?

I must have proof of a thing in order to believe it.  I do not blindly follow anything without seeing results, documents, charts that show me "IF YOU DO X, Y will be yours."  This is why I am a hard "sell" and you rarely see reviews here anymore.  (More on that, coming, too.)

In 2012 I was in a regain pattern and found myself hitting a high weight that I could not imagine after RNY.

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Regain, 2012

I refused to allow it although I know realistically it is possible.  I've been there before.  And knowing that I need to eat food  – I realised I needed to do something different because obviously eating as much food as I want/need to and not moving my ass was no longer working.

I added a little bit of exercise — and I saw a little bit of endurance increase.  And I struggled to keep going, and keep at it and now I finally see body results.  

The scale is in solid maintenance mode.  I see range of up 5 lbs down 5 lbs up 5 lbs down lbs every single month.  But I guarantee my muscle mass is increasing.  I will get a new assessment done at some point to ensure this — and see because I am interested in knowing the percentage of change.

This is where those people who used to scream at me to MOVE MY ASS get to say, "WE TOLD YOU SO."  I did not listen.  I was (…somewhat, but not really) lazy.  I thought I could get away with just "eating okay" and being relatively active.  

Nope.  I am proof it (…sitting on your ass) doesn't work.  



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Because this is how we party – I got drilled for the holidays.

For the holidays — I got dental work.   BEAM.  You know we are PRACTICAL up in here.   You should know I have been putting this off for YEARS.  I needed approximately a cars-worth of work done – and one surgical procedure.  This is going to be a minute of one or two-at-time visits.  

No lie. I had the worst two done a couple weeks ago, and two done yesterday.

Oddly — I noted that my cyclic left eye twitch stopped immediately when the dentist injected me with novocaine. Perhaps novocaine is a cure for my eye twitch (… brain twitch?!) I only mention that because the eye twitching often precludes my seizure activity, to which I say Give Me More Novocaine?  

I remained Numb In Mah Wips for about six hours – and definitely drooled coffee on myself while attempting to sip and shortly thereafter gave up on lunch.

Dental Work = An Awesome Diet Plan.   *Not that I am dieting because I don't.  

I am doing THIS.  This is yesterday's gym time – -900 calorie burn.  

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*Except I'm back to normal today – and eating old leftover cold rice because I am in week five (…six?) of no kitchen.  

Whelp.