Telling my stories

I used to blog a lot and somewhere along the way I got my hand-slapped and I felt compelled to stop telling my stories.  I feel like the stories are coming back, bubbling to the surface and I'm going to have to write.  I am not exactly sure when I lost my 'words' but I am totally aware that I did, and I know I feel even torn posting about posting again, know this.

I saw a quote someplace that suggested that if you ever had a second thought about posting anything online – even for a second – that it probably should not go up. This made me second guess a lot of what I want to say, write, and half of what I start to post and take back.  

I also feel like I need to take a step back and reassess the things I want to put out there, the direction I want for my blog, my peers, my support group and where I was going with just me, you know?  I started all of this with just me, many years ago, for me.  Blogging filled a need at that time.

I also, honestly feel like everyone was jumping in the blog game trying to get a slice of this thing called work-at-home-luxurious living that they seem to think people like me have (…had?) and I sort of wanted out. I had people telling me that "folks trying to be like you, Beth."

But if they were, they'd be housebound and unemployed*, be jealous, bitch can't even get a gallon of milk, and I am reminded of this ALL DAY LONG.  

Somedays I feel like an ass because I have women posting things like, "You're my inspiration!" when I am over here thinking about that other woman who probably thinks "It's because she has all that free time to work on herself" when in reality my life is pretty …

…much like yours, except much more boring.  

Please don't assume.

*PS.  Now I remember why I began.  

 

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A dilemma-monade #fitbloggin #procrastination

It's 94 degrees in my bedroom right now where I should be packing my suitcase in anticipation for my flight out to fitbloggin' 2013 tomorrow morning.  However instead of packing I am playing the "until the very last minute" game because –

  • It is 94 degrees in my bedroom
  • And I am avoiding all things boob sweat.  (I am currently sweating, sitting still.)

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There is also this one thing —  I weighed in at 183 pounds last summer to fall.

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fitbloggin' 2012

I now weigh 144 pounds and that is a visible size difference.  

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2013

The thing is — I've been wearing the same clothing regardless of its fit — which means I probably look a mess quite often in a size 12-14 on a size 8 body.  I likely rock the plumbers crack.  #thumbsup

 

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I could use some clothes that fit, but I would rather not until I know I am settled into a size that I am staying in unless I find super-inexpensive deals.  I bought clothing prior to the last set of events I attended – and they're too big now.  

As someone who is pretty much stuck-at-home since I do not drive due to my seizures, I don't shop much at all, and rarely shop online either.  Also:  with five other people in the house, you don't just SHOP for clothes, you have to consider everyone, and we have a list seven miles long of "needs, wants and like-to-haves…" and my stuff sometimes gets bumped.  That's just the long way of saying I can't just run out and shop.  I do not have that luxury.  If I were an employed adult with a dependable weekly paycheck, who could drive myself to the mall?  I suppose I might consider it more often, but I know I'd likely end up spending on the kids first because that's what parents do.  School's out this week.  #brainimplodes  #sendababypool #sendairconditioning #help 

Do you like how I am avoiding?  

It is working.  

I am still sitting here.  

The suitcase is empty.  

I will also mention that it is empty because I did not get a sponsor for this event.  In the spirit of being honest:  I did not try very hard to gain a sponsor.  I did not ask much.  I was quite disheartened after the last event I attended and sort of gave up.   I promised myself that I would not attend another blog conference (…or otherwise) after paying out of pocket in full for the last one that went completely belly-up on me and my entire support group.  I swore I would never do it again, until this time.

I suppose I should attempt to put some poorly fitted clothes in a suitcase now that the sun has moved a bit.   (Still. trying. to. waste. time. here.)

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However, I've had two good experiences with fitbloggin'.    (A post from last year.)

I am off to Portland, Oregon in the wee hours tomorrow for fitbloggin' 2013 – which is my third trip to fitbloggin' – because they sort of rock.  I went in 2010, 2012 and now this year.  I will be live-blogging a session sponsored by #soyjoy about snacking!  *shrug*  

I like snacking.  

Many blog-friends will also be there!  Check out the list!  WLS bloggers in attendance:

 Watch the blogs – and

 

 

Please judge everything.

It's a funny thing when you post your lowest-to-date weight, instant comments happen.  I suppose I should expect it.  I watch the comments scroll on other people's blogs, pages, etc and I try to ignore them but I do wonder what the guidelines or cut offs are for making judgements on a person's shape/size.

  • "Now don't you go wasting away on us!"  (I am a nine year and two month bariatric surgery post op, I think I have this whole cyclic regain pattern pretty much DOWN to a science.)
  • "Gosh, I hope you are not going anorexic over there!"  (Wait, what?!  No, really,  WHAT?)
  • "I NEED TO KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU EAT EVERY SINGLE DAY."
  • "What do you eat?  600-800 calories?  Show me."
  • "OMGoodness aren't you just a little thing!" 
  • "I hope you calculated your excess skin in there!"  (Um.  It's about 5-7 lbs.  If I take Skilsaw to my arms, belly and thighs, I will be in exactly the top range of normal body weight.  I'd probably become Super Anemia Girl too.)

I don't think it matters which direction you go – there is a comment somewhere.   

And it just proves that we are SO INDIVIDUAL.  You cannot judge your path against someone else.  Please don't try.

*cue Britney Bitch* 

Why do other people feel compelled to immediately (No, seriously, THE SECOND YOU TAKE A BIG SHIT AND POST YOUR WEIGHT LOSS…) judge themselves against you?  

Oh my goodness, aren't you a crass little creature!  *unsubscribe*

I have never (in my life) seen 145 lbs.  I am a short woman, which makes 145 lbs "overweight."  May I own it for five seconds before I sabotage it?

Please do not make body comments about anyone.  Ever.  You have NO idea what kind of lasting impression it has on them.   I am stronger than most.

“The process is the goal.” 
― Geneen Roth

 

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9 Years Post Gastric Bypass.

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April 5th, 2013 marks nine years since I had roux en y gastric bypass surgery at Tufts New England Medical Center in Boston, Massachusetts.  I made it another year.  I am alive.  I  made it past your cash bets.

I am approximately five pounds above my very lowest post op weight, which I saw one year post op before I got pregnant and right before I bounced up to 175 lbs.  I will say this, my lower weight looks different the second time around.  That first low-weight crash post surgery looks like death-warmed over.  I look healthier now, and I think it's honestly because I eat food now and haven't had a massive weight loss like in 2004.  

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People have asked me "What are you doing differently now?"  
  • Food journaling and keeping myself aware of the calories I take in.  I don't journal everyday, but I DO journal.
  • I stopped using soy milk, and swapped to unsweetened almond milk in my coffee and for whatever other "milk" uses I have.  I don't use dairy milk at all.
  • I quit my Starbucks habit pretty much altogether.  I get an iced coffee or cappuccino if someone else takes ME out for coffee, but it's rare, and definitely less than once a week.  Dunkin Donuts iced coffee, once a week.
  • No crackers.  If I must, one serving, with protein.
  • No potato chips, etc.  
  • No candy, only super dark 70%+ chocolate if I must have something.  One serving.
  • No protein bars, except to review them, unless I am REPLACING A MEAL with one.
  • No protein shakes, except to review them, unless I am REPLACING A MEAL with one.
  • This isn't "new" – but zero alcohol in my house.  It's just a rule.  If it's not here, I can't have it.  It's just the rule.
  • If there's one thing I have learned this year – it's that I can't graze without noting.  I can't just nibble all day long and expect that I won't see gains, because I do.  I gain very fast on relatively low calories.

I have also learned that giving up things I can't control – stressors – outside influences – people, even – helps.  I started losing the weight as soon as I made this connection.

Look at my weight loss timeline.  Look at the dates.

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 Now look at my regain photos from the last year – same timing.


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 Seems easy enough, right?  


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Let. it. go.

“You will find that it is necessary to let things go; simply for the reason that they are heavy. So let them go, let go of them. I tie no weights to my ankles.”  ― C. JoyBell C.

People CAN be TOXIC to your HEALTH.   Let. them. go.

(*Not the ones in this photo.  LOL.  But, I am also 25 lbs lighter SINCE these photos and the timeline.  It's a visual.)

Here's to YEAR ten.  It's a big one.  

*foreshadowing….*

Valege Lingerie - Click to Enlarge

Oh advertising – (@) (@)

If this is the kind of advertising that they can utilize in France for push-up bras, I can only imagine what might work for plastic surgery.

Valege Lingerie - Click to Enlarge

Valege Lingerie – Click to Enlarge

My mind.  It races, the, um… options?

The US is so backwards sometimes.

Potentially NSFW –  Thanks AdWeek