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A scale with no batteries.

We moved house on Halloween, and in the process, my scale lost it's batteries.  

I have avoided quite successfully, replacing the batteries to the scale.  The scale, with it's cracked plastic face, still weighs and measures quite accurately and is that what I am afraid of?  It hasn't been very long since I checked in with that scale.  And my eating hasn't changed much at all, as it never does.  I eat what doesn't kill me, and occasional OH MY GOD I MIGHT DIE BECAUSE I ATE THAT YOU SHOULD HAVE WARNED ME foods.  I have been one of the most boring-est eaters since weight loss surgery you might ever know.  

What I do know is that I am in need of clothes, it's nearly winter and I was wearing maternity clothes in a bigger size last year, and I have nothing right now that fits me appropriately and I really did not want to start this season in my kids' hand me downs.  I am in that NO YOU CAN'T GAIN ANYMORE range, I know it.  I don't need a scale to tell me that I can hold up a pair of size 14 jeans on my regain butt. 

Then again, I'm also okay at this size, because it's also where I land every time I just simply eat what I feel like having without drama. Does that make any sense to you?  I feel like if I just added exercise to my current-state-of-toast-and-protein, I would trickle back to my tighter self.  Honestly, it's the lack of Doing, not the Poor Eating.  I am a decent, not super, decent, better than many, eater.  A few days a week of moving my ass would really do the trick.

Could someone just sell that as an edible product  – motivation?  Because I don't have it.  Aside from running a 13 month old up and down stairs, it's just not happening.  All the advice in the world, I'll find excuses.  

off to find some batteries and weigh-in

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Reebok Crossfit Nano 2.0 Sneaker from fitbloggin!

I got Reebok sneaker swag at fitbloggin from (…again!) this year!  (Last year my kid stole the shoes from me and I never got a shot to share them with you.  You don't want the review now.  She's um, made them special.)

This year – they are all. mine.  Muhahahaha.

Reebok Crossfit Nano
Behold the Reebok CrossFit Nano 2.0!

The new CrossFit Nano 2.0. has an upper designed for lateral support, and a low profile platform that balances cushioning and stability so you can stay quick, safe and comfortable through even the toughest WODs.

  • Breathable mesh upper for added ventilation
  • Low-cut for added mobility
  • DuraGrip print along the toe cap makes it durable for longer use
  • High abrasion rubber outsole for improved durability
  • Upper designed for lateral support and stability
  • Full length low profile with EVA midsole for cushioning and low-to-ground soccer feel
  • Forefoot flex grooves for added flexibility

I will wear them to the gym tonight and check-back with a review immediately!

Thank you Reebok and fitbloggin!

 

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Apathy and failure

Recently when I saw a fresh weight loss and posted it, I was confronted with a commenter who asked me why I posted my body-weight.  It is a fair question and I do not challenge her asking it, because it's been asked of me many times when I have posted my actual weight-as-a-number.


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I will say that number-sharing is the norm (…or was?) in the weight loss surgery/bariatric community as a whole for as long as I have been a part of it — and that is at least 10-12 years that I have actively read and participated in emails, groups and chats.  I posted the question as a poll this morning on Facebook as well.  Go answer!  Come back.


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Back in the hey-day of message boards we would add a line of text to our signatures (..siggies!) to signify our –

  • HW (Highest Weight)
  • SW (Start Weight or Surgery Weight)
  • CW (Current Weight)
  • GW (Goal Weight)

They would look alot like this!

Beth 

HW – 320  SW – 298  CW – 151 – GW – 150

Don't judge the comic-sans.  

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I would go back to *my old posts circa 2003/2004 and show you, except I was banned from my message board back then, and my posts via BethLButterfly disappeared.  She posted in Comic Sans at times. Her demise is why MM exists.

Number or weight sharing is.  Was.  Always will be?  I would say that in general — most individuals that have bariatric surgery are often proud of every single pound lost, and want to wear their "pounds lost" as a badge of honor.  Some post ops are extraordinarily proud and not only wear the pounds lost, current weight, but will add things like "LBS GONE FOREVER!"  

Losing weight is no easy feat, and after bariatric surgery — it feels like victory. Why wouldn't someone want to own it — even just for a while?  I suppose when you've been 500, 400, 300, 250 lbs — wearing a newly slimmed down self is quite a change and being able to put that number out there to the universe — even just for a while is worth it.


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Now, for me.  This commenter wondered if my posting about my actual number was an obsession – let me clear it up here.  No.  I've always weighed myself.  


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Bariatric surgery and the life afterwards is ALL ABOUT NUMBERS.  Losing pounds, inches, and sometimes counting calories, measuring food, and exercise.  If you're a pre-op that doesn't want to 'hear that' – I am sorry – but it really, truly, is.

I absolutely understand that some people take these numbers to an extreme – and extremes are unhealthy at any level — and that is how we get into situations like: needing bariatric surgery.  Extreme caloric intake is unhealthy, an extreme sedentary lifestyle is unhealthy.  We require balance.  

It takes a very long time for some people to learn this:  example —->  ME.

While I have always "weighed-in,"  I am also The Queen Of Avoidance, and as soon as I see the scale move up – I remove the scale.  (That's magic, if I can't see my regain, no one else can.  That is, until I SEE THE PHOTO EVIDENCE MYSELF AND SCREAM.  *See below.)  


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So what has changed?  I removed myself from the effects of negative influences — changed my views on some things and … GASP …

I added ACCOUNTABILITY to my daily life.  I now weigh myself near-daily, or at LEAST weekly.  I check-in my food nearly every single day on a journal.  

Is that obsessive?  No.  Why?  Because before — not paying attention led to weight regain.  Surrounding myself by people with negative and apathetic views on life – brought me down.

Apathy causes failure.  


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Yes, I am fully aware I am a Bariatric Bad Girl – but maybe now you understand – BAD DOES NOT EQUATE "BAD," or breaking rules, or doing things WRONG.  

It's BAD-ASS.  (Help us help, BTW.)

*June 2012 – April 2013


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But, recently I started paying attention – and seeing results:


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My brain likes to see results, black and white, literal, on paper, in lines, to show me that if I DO X – Y WILL HAPPEN.


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Because it works.  (Shut up Weight Watchers.)  And my little brain likes proof.   


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If I can see tangible results I will keep going – I will keep doing a thing if I can see a result.  I do not like to work for "free – " you see.  Does that make sense?  Here's an example, a very simple one.  I started going to the gym and doing basic exercise (…long walks on the treadmill and seated elliptical) about a month ago (…I'll check back in my Facebook check ins) and I noticed a tangible result the night before last.  My leg muscles are coming back.  This is enough to create a positive reaction to keep me motivated.  

It's not about obsessing about a number.  I don't have a goal.  

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1200 calories burned.

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I am not known for being … "active."

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When I post this image, it's a big deal for me.  This indicates that Beth Has Been On The Treadmill For An Hour Almost Every Day 9/10 Days.  I also don't typically chart my activity unless I do something on purpose so – this is "doing something on purpose."
I am trying to make a habit — to create a new habit — to learn to enjoy exercise before I develop complete loathing for it.  Because it isn't that I hate exercise, I don't.  I just don't enjoy many of same things that others LIKE to do and I am not cut out for a lot of the things that many of you might enjoy.
For example – I will never be a long distance outdoor runner.   It just won't happen.  I can't run outdoors, unsupervised.  Why? I am an uncontolled epileptic and likely to dash into traffic.  I can't swim alone for the same reason, nor can my kids.  I can't kayak.  I can't use a bike.  Nor can I take my kids on bike rides.   Yeah, yeah.  It sucks.  Whine whine.  LOL.
I CAN walk briskly on a treadmill with a safety clip on – with people around me.   (10 times, 10 hours. 3/5-4 miles each. I haven't fallen.)

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Nobody needs to know I am a high-fall risk.  (Even though I am.)    I take two medications that cause "dizziness" and "sleepiness" among other things.
I CAN walk with the family away from the road, in the woods, trails, etc.    I can hula hoop.  I can roller skate!   (I just did.)  I can take classes at the gym when I can GET there.   I've been lying to myself about all the "can'ts."  
It is really more about won'ts, isn't it?
So.
I don't really have an excuse.  I CAN.
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9 Years Post Gastric Bypass.

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April 5th, 2013 marks nine years since I had roux en y gastric bypass surgery at Tufts New England Medical Center in Boston, Massachusetts.  I made it another year.  I am alive.  I  made it past your cash bets.

I am approximately five pounds above my very lowest post op weight, which I saw one year post op before I got pregnant and right before I bounced up to 175 lbs.  I will say this, my lower weight looks different the second time around.  That first low-weight crash post surgery looks like death-warmed over.  I look healthier now, and I think it's honestly because I eat food now and haven't had a massive weight loss like in 2004.  

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People have asked me "What are you doing differently now?"  
  • Food journaling and keeping myself aware of the calories I take in.  I don't journal everyday, but I DO journal.
  • I stopped using soy milk, and swapped to unsweetened almond milk in my coffee and for whatever other "milk" uses I have.  I don't use dairy milk at all.
  • I quit my Starbucks habit pretty much altogether.  I get an iced coffee or cappuccino if someone else takes ME out for coffee, but it's rare, and definitely less than once a week.  Dunkin Donuts iced coffee, once a week.
  • No crackers.  If I must, one serving, with protein.
  • No potato chips, etc.  
  • No candy, only super dark 70%+ chocolate if I must have something.  One serving.
  • No protein bars, except to review them, unless I am REPLACING A MEAL with one.
  • No protein shakes, except to review them, unless I am REPLACING A MEAL with one.
  • This isn't "new" – but zero alcohol in my house.  It's just a rule.  If it's not here, I can't have it.  It's just the rule.
  • If there's one thing I have learned this year – it's that I can't graze without noting.  I can't just nibble all day long and expect that I won't see gains, because I do.  I gain very fast on relatively low calories.

I have also learned that giving up things I can't control – stressors – outside influences – people, even – helps.  I started losing the weight as soon as I made this connection.

Look at my weight loss timeline.  Look at the dates.

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 Now look at my regain photos from the last year – same timing.


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 Seems easy enough, right?  


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Let. it. go.

“You will find that it is necessary to let things go; simply for the reason that they are heavy. So let them go, let go of them. I tie no weights to my ankles.”  ― C. JoyBell C.

People CAN be TOXIC to your HEALTH.   Let. them. go.

(*Not the ones in this photo.  LOL.  But, I am also 25 lbs lighter SINCE these photos and the timeline.  It's a visual.)

Here's to YEAR ten.  It's a big one.  

*foreshadowing….*

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It’s not about a number.

I'm not a shopper. Since I work from home, I rarely get new clothes.

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The other day I noticed that New York + Co had a 50% off everything sale and went in. The saleswoman said to me, "You look like you'd rather be anywhere but here." 

I told her that I am not fan of clothes shopping, and she called me "Cute," and "Small." 

Small. Snort.

I laughed, and realized soon why I have so much dismay for clothes shopping. THE FITTING ROOM. THE LIGHTS.

THE VARICOSE VEINS. I have the legs of an 80 year old woman.

It's not about SIZES or the number on my scale, because I am nearly to my lowest weight.  I reached my lowest weight just after one year post op, I hit 149 pounds for one day and regained immediately.  

I am 156 pounds today.  

I still don't like the melted candle puddle of skin that I have — nine years later. Full honesty, I am FINE with it once I am wearing appropriate undergarments and everything is in it's place, but even in a size 8P (I also bought a pair of 6P) – sometimes you feel like a puddle of flesh.

It's not about a number.