Not today brain.

Complex partial seizures are often preceded by a seizure aura.[2] The seizure aura is a simple partial seizure.[2] The aura may manifest itself as a feeling of déjà vujamais vu, fear, euphoria or depersonalization.[3] The seizure aura might also occur as a visual disturbance, such as tunnel vision or a change in the size of objects (macropsia or micropsia).[4] Once consciousness is impaired, the person may display automatisms such as lip smacking, chewing or swallowing.[3] There may also be loss of memory (amnesia) surrounding the seizure event.[2] The person may still be able to perform routine tasks such as walking. Witnesses may not recognize that anything is wrong.

Complex partial seizures might arise from any lobe of the brain.[2] Complex partial seizures most commonly arise from the mesial temporal lobe, particularly the amygdalahippocampus, and neocortical regions.[5] A common associated brain abnormality is mesial temporal sclerosis.[3] Mesial temporal sclerosis is a specific pattern of hippocampal neuronal loss accompanied by hippocampal gliosis and atrophy.[6] Complex partial seizures occur when excessive and synchronous electrical brain activity causes impaired awareness and responsiveness.[7] The abnormal electrical activity might spread to the rest of the brain and cause a secondary generalized tonic–clonic seizure.[8]

This morning I was sitting here with Bob and Tristan after the big kids had gone off to school, and we were talking about Christmas presents.  

I remember stating out loud, "Not today, brain."  This statement is obviously part of a pre-seizure aura, and comes very frequently.  

A few minutes later, I seized.  My husband and youngest daughter saw, and my husband grabbed my phone and video-taped what happened mid-way through, caught the END and uploaded it to my Facebook page, unknown to me.  I apparently just got up after this, walked away and laid down on my couch.


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I suppose, after seeing the 86+ 42 comments to this video on Facebook (that I didn't know I uploaded, beacuse Mr. did it, because I have NO MEMORY OF THE EVENT… because I NEVER DO…) it's caused a reaction.  

I guess you could say I am surprised by the feedback from the internet.

I appreciate and understand the safety concerns, as I would be equally concerned, and perhaps maybe now my concerns make more sense to you?  I live in this body.  I have lived in this body with seizures since at least … 2006.  I know many of you have always understood it — but many don't.

I have been sharing posts, snippets, videos and updates about living with epilepsy for more than five…six… years, and I have had people complain, some unsubscribe, some ask me not to discuss it, some suggest that I have Munchausen's disorder, and that I "fake" it, or receiving comments along the lines of… 

"OMG I AM SO SORRY for YOU HOW CAN YOU LIIIIVE THAT WAYYYYY I would just DIIIIEEEEE," I don't really respond well.  "OMG, I cannot IMAGINE not being able to…."  "You're getting WORSE, you know!"  "How are you NOT 300 pounds again?  I would just EAT MYSELF to DEATH!"

And, it goes on.  I get some seriously shit comments sometimes.

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Yeah.  I have seizures.  I. have. them. all. the. time.  So what?  I have polymicrogyria.  I am considering brain surgery.   It is likely that I have a lot more seizures than we know about.  It seems like I only notice them when there's an adult home.  

I figured that particular pattern out on the last three days the Adult Was Home.  

Oops.  

I suppose now you understand why I don't take well to those making light of the disease — it's not something you can "get over."  I can't medicate it and go about my day, though I try, the medication makes me a bit uh… where were we?  

I have zero short-term memory left, which is likely a permanent neurological condition.

I cannot work, I have been denied disability twice, and I continue to appeal.

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