Too Much Thinkings

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If I made comics they might look a lot like this.  That's me and my brains.

Except I would be laying on my right side, with my left leg alternating up and down trying to find the sweet spot where I don't feel my broken.  I usually fall asleep in this position, and wake up with a jolt. 

My brains will wake me with Thinkings or my guts will prod me awake with Movings, Stabbings or Rot.   I love my body!  <snark> 

However, I've had a day of good guts.  THANK YOU GUT GODS.  The unfortunate side-effect of good guts?  Overeating.  I'm a goof.  "Hey, I feel good, let's have more crackers!"  Or, tonight, let's eat soup that has FIBER in it!  Which will lead to gut death by midnight.


I don't have an issue being sleepy, or sleeping, it's the getting to sleep at times that is the problem.  I will not take sleep medication, because ME under the influence of anti-epileptics AND sleep meds — would light the house on fire while I create a four course 2am snack of Splenda packets, crackers, butter and toast.  I know I sleep better with a body.  It was easier sleeping at home and sleeping alone is awkward though you do get used to it.

I do use a sound machine or application on the phone or iPad, this is something I've done since my first-born was a baby.  I don't have a television in my room so it is nice and dark and conducive to sleep.  I just have to GET there.

Falling asleep in an empty bed with a broken, and Too Much Thinkings is not recommended.   

The Too Much Thinkings want to know if/when I can move home, when I can put up a tree for the kids, when will I have some money to buy gifts, and simple things too:  I'm out of coffee, milk and when can I get to the store again? 

My brain NEVER, EVER shuts off.  This is nothing new.  I cannot physically be in a moment without Too Much Thinkings elsewhere.  "Wait, did I turn the water off?  Is there laundry left?  How do I …"  Always.   Right now it's on overdrive, 'cause I am bored and over thinking. 

"BETH!!  How can you be bored?!"

Easy.  I am in an apartment.  It's small.   I don't have a typical job.

I'm here most of the time with only 1 or 2 children, and the mess is just not equivalent to a big house.  I don't have any yard work (not that I did much of anything aside from OCD rock removal from the flower beds from the lawnmower AT the house, just saying, I gave up when the pain started, honest…)  and maintenance, (again I didn't do much…) and nothing really to DO. 

The teenagers aren't here full time the apartment is out of their school district.  If I could drive, I would just drive them to school every time I had them sleep over but there is just no feasable way to get them to school at that time of day.  It just doesn't work.  Instead, Mr is playing the back and forth game and trying to get home as much as possible, and we have spent a lot of time in the car during any/all of his free time. 

Other than that I don't go anywhere, as it takes one walk and two buses to get to the store.  Even if I did go to the store, I have to carry my purchases back home on two buses and one walk.  So?  Hardly worth the effort:  unless it's just for fun.  Translation:  "Kids, want to go to the store for ______" and a Starbucks and come back. 

It sounds so silly, but I want to get to the elementary school for my daughter's ______ and I haven't been able to do that in years.   Or the Santa Breakfast, although I loathe such things. 

Some people will immediately say things like, "CARPOOL! Neighbors! Friends!  Family!" 

Yeah.  Sure.  It never happens.  And those who do offer because they feel bad, aren't likely to follow through.  I don't ask, #1 because I don't know anyone, and #2 telling kids' friends parents that I don't drive because I am epileptic makes me IMMEDIATELY look like a leper.

"Oh.  I'm…. sorry?  Will that be forever?  You mean, you can't…. drive?  I don't know what I would DO!" 

Hair twirl, turn and walk away.  And, their kid never calls my kid again.  True story.

Family, right.  Mr have an elderly aunt who would give the world if she could, but we cannot ask her anymore for help.  My parents are the only ones who've been TO THIS APARTMENT, and have offered any assistance.  I have no other options.

I know she wonders why she can't do things like everybody else.  No lessons or extracurriculars.  And her mom never comes to things.  I can't get anyone anywhere, and his time is limited to his days off, and they change. 

One positive about living in this apartment complex — she's learned about a different type of life, where kids don't GET THE CHANCE for those things because their parents don't care, aren't around or for whatever reason.   Last year she whined a lot about "Sally gets to do THIS AND THIS AND THIS…." This year it's "I'm going to play!  And, did you know that we're lucky?" 

Yes, she is.   In many ways.  Even if she can't go to soccer.  Or dance.  Or anything.

It's not that I thought living here would immediately fix THAT problem. (I did not move for this reason.) I had this issue while I lived at home in the woods ten minutes away.  It's worse there.  There are no kids in the neighborhood, and ZERO transportation options.

This means that I am still depending on Mr. for every single need outside of this apartment.  Living independently didn't change that.  (Note for the haters who wait for bait like this:  REGARDLESS OF OUR SITUATION… he'd still be involved, clearly it's just necessary.)  

He says he doesn't mind, but it would be a million times easier if I were just living with him.  (Again, haters, stuff it.  You have no say.) 

We spend his days off at the grocery store, doctors, pharmacies, in laws, and back home.  There is never enough time.  That is ironic, because I have too much time when he's at work, because I have "nothing to do."

I have a few more days before the leasing manager gets back to me about this lease and if I can break it without taking it legally.   Yes, I asked to break the lease and move out.

Until then I will continue vacuuming and twiddling my thumbs and thinking about a UHAUL.  I've considering going home and doing the insane cleaning that will need be done, but I feel like the maid, when I am paying for my own place too.  I feel weird going back, since my stuff is here.  I know that doesn't make much sense — this is such a backwards situation.  I suppose that's a way out of the lease — leaving? 

(And, no… I don't think to do productive things like: schoolwork.  That stuff goes straight to the bottom of the brain pile.  I continue to procrastinate and, well, I'll talk more about that tomorrow.)

No.  This was not the "plan," but when do things ever go according to plan?  And, fuck you for Googling it.

Will trade a broken and some too-little-too-much-thinking brain for you to cancel this holiday and hold on a while until I don't have rent?  Thank you.

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